For Those Who Missed Manda's Blog

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Miniscule Meanderings
Tuesday, April 22, 2003

My Collar :-D
my Master collared me tonight OL in our channel. It was sweet, beautiful, and tender. W/we spent some time going over His rules and He told me what my collar looked like and i was so giddy and excited. After going over the rules, He wasn't going to do it, but then pulled a fast one on me and did it anyway. It was so intense and brought out this newfound tenderness for Him. i just shivered when i called Him Master the first time. i couldn't have been happier. In pm He conveyed to me His feelings about being called Master and i knew then He was pleased. Such a sweet tender Man. A true gift to be owned by Him. i am His sub, not His slave for He "cares too much to treat me as a slave."Mmmmmm, does it get any better than this? He's sending me a webcam so W/we can see each other while chatting. ACK, will have to prepare myself better. Living in the middle of nowhere, i don't do a lot with my appearance anymore but i wish to look my best for Him. W/we have plans to meet RL also and i'm tremendously excited for that. i sure hope it works out well and that we have just as much physical attraction RL as we do OL.The only thing that tempers it slightly is the other OL Dom i had played with who'd asked me to wear His collar "for protection" from the pettiness in channel. i spoke with Him the other night, but apparently He didn't realize how serious i was trying to convey the things going on with my Master who was not my Master at the time. Needless to say, knowing this other Dom is hurting hurts me and i know i should set it aside and serve my Master, but it's also hard to shut down my feelings regarding another human being. It's just part of me to feel and sometimes feel too deeply. Unfortunately, this Dom walked into the channel this morning and reacted strongly. He wouldn't give me the opportunity really to explain further and that stung. He said a lot of hurtful things and i just cried. What can i do really....?So this morning is bitter sweet...
posted by sinsulita @ 7:11 AM
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Sunday, April 20, 2003

Seems that talk of collars has kept me spinning in recently days, weeks, however you want to look at it. As a submissive female who would like to be a "slave" I have a fascination with them and try to find essays and commentaries to hear others' thoughts and opinions on them. I'm fascinated with the idea of being owned and serving a Master. It's a complete turnon, yet it does instill some fear within me. Could I really hold up to the pressure and please a Master and do what he required of His slave.Overall, it is my desire to learn more and be capable of doing more. I'm not sure I could do 24/7 though even that thought entices me. I'm unsure if I could take a lot of pain as it's the bondage and loss of control I crave. Of course, I know better than to rush things and that it's an evolving process, but ya get greedy sometimes. Especially since this is something I've fantasized for a long long time.The RL Dom I met would like to "own" me. Somebody online offered an "online" collar for "protection" (actually, this caused me to lose some respect in Him), and now a Dom online I play with plenty publicly, privately, and on the phone with plans for real life play, brought the topic of last night. It feels "right" with the third and makes me giddy inside. It's difficult to know what is right because I feel comfortable with all three of them. I respect each of them in different ways however. The first Dom and I live very different lifestyles which would make it difficult for me to get serious with Him outside of "playing."I guess I just feel collars are something to take seriously, yet there's that part of me craving one, wanting to learn how to serve. I don't wanna take one off if I get one so wanna be smart. Though I'm tempted to have one just OL at the moment. But my Dom of choice is OL now and must go play...
posted by sinsulita @ 8:15 PM
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Saturday, April 19, 2003

the joys...of OL scening in channels, etc.There's a Dom I've played with quite a bit. He's one out of two whose play I enjoy and could see meeting in person. Things I thought were going well, but of course, just as some subs play with a lot of Doms, this particular Dom has played with a lot of subs and I got jealous tonight. I know he's probably not lying to me about his interest level in me, but it still hurt a little. Some submissive I am by reacting this way to an OL experience. We've talked on the phone some in addition to a heavy amount of OL scening in our channel. He even looked at plane tickets online yesterday to find a cheap ticket to buy for me to visit him next month. We were talking some and then he just left. I of course am stubborn and not wanting to push him, so chose not to call him. I'm really bummed he hasn't shown back up online and wish I could get it out of my head. I have too many things to work on and need to keep my anxiousness down. I'm not sure what to do now... *sighs*I miss talking to him and feel bad for talking to one of his admirers about it now. Oh the things we women do.....Off to mellow some more...
posted by sinsulita @ 2:16 AM
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Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Last week I drove out to meet the before mentioned Dom I met online in real life. Surprisingly, things went well. I found that I enjoyed the pain more than expected and crave blindfolds and being bound now. We started off slow and just cuddled the first night. The second night we shared a sweet intimacy twice that night. The third night I picked up some goodies (restraints, feathers, blindfold, and crop) at an adult store located near his place and we used them all that night. A simple beginning, yet intensely erotic. We played three nights in a row and took a break from sexual intimacy the next two nights. The play was intense and I enjoyed following commands. Of course, he knew my limits beforehand and I was surprised (both good and bad) at how quickly he tested a few of them. One thing I had never done before was "swallow." Hell, I hadn't even had someone cum in my mouth but of course I knew the taste and feel of precum. On our second night in "play" he told me I would swallow which of course prompted an internal debate over whether to safeword or not. In all honesty, there really isn't any reason for why I haven't swallowed. I love giving head and sucking on a nice little cock. I've just never allowed a man to come in my mouth before. I followed through though and was rewarded with sweet words and cuddles and snuggles which made it worth it for me. I knew he realized what a sacrifice this was for me and how much I trusted him. I hope that those reading this realize how important trust is in a relationship such as this and don't run off meeting their first OL Dom in RL. I lucked out in finding someone so quickly. We get along outside the bedroom and are definitely individuals, yet there's a tenderness between us that brings out the erotic and sensual pleasures when we're "playing." Whether I see him again or not remains to be seen. My trip was only supposed to be three days and was stretched out to eight days. Needless to say, I had a rather hard time sleeping alone last night without a restraint on my ankle.
posted by sinsulita @ 5:16 PM
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Tuesday, April 01, 2003

So I may or may not have a real life Dom already. We met online (surprise I'm sure), but there is a physical and intellectual connection so this could work out well. Frankly, I went online intentionally seeking somebody to meet in person for this purpose only. A relationship is nice but it is not first and foremost to me. I don't really want to have multiple partners, yet I know I become emotionally entangled to an extent with anyone I choose to be intimate with. He has an interest in teaching me things and we have some of the same kink interests and some slightly different. Some will surely test my limits, but I desire that also. I haven't talked to him near as much in the past two weeks as I did in the first few days we met. He claims to be a busy man and still interested, trying to make arrangements that we can meet and begin "trust" exercises. Quite honestly, these trust exercises sound incredibly sensual and erotic and I'm eagerly anticipating them. I crave that sensual and erotic play as much as (more than? less than?) the pain and humiliation being dominated could bring. I so crave this, but I wonder if for the right reasons. It's almost bizarre that I would want this considering the things I have endured in life. Spoke with this RL Dom today on the phone and we discussed the list of things I am/am not comfortable trying. I'm open to a lot more than I expected and the idea of pain arouses me, but I'm still not sure I could follow through with it. And public exposure scares me. :-) We'll see.
posted by sinsulita @ 11:19 PM
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Found this site and thought it to be a productive place to write my ramblings regarding my online adventure into the BDSM community. My intrigue with being a submissive has existed for as long as I can remember. Over recent years, with the comfortable anonymity of the internet, I explored a little further, reading more and learning more. One of my favorite "pornographic" features online are erotic/fantasy stories and I found I was most turned on with BDSM type stories. The idea of being dominated and humiliated appealed to me and turned me on in a way I hadn't expected. Thankfully I wasn't raised to believe sex was a shameful thing though I recognized my own sex drive and need to masturbate at least once a day (I estimate that I average three times daily) as possibly being outside the norm for a female. A generalization I'm sure so don't flame me. In my own personal fantasies, I was always being raped/bound/gagged/whipped and found that it took more and more to "get off."Eventually a few months ago, I opened up to an online male friend (not BDSM involved) and he assisted me with some online and phone fantasies. After several weeks, I just grew frustrated as I wanted the real thing. But what if I couldn't measure up? What if I chickened out? What if I froze up? As women we are taught to stand strong, be independent, don't allow another to dominate us. How would I bring domination into my life and live more submissively for another while still maintaining my sense of self worth and confidence in who I am? These are all things I thought about, but at the same time, my need to be submissive toward a male is dominating my every waking moment. Sooooo, one night I decide to intentionally seek out others with the same interests and met a potential real life Dom for me (will explain that situation in the next few days) and an IRC channel that I'm enjoying. I'm learning by watching and talking with others and get incredibly turned on through scening. I've scened only a few times and am still amazed with how involved I become with my actions and thoughts during that time. More on scening later.Anyway, I have to do anything real life and know I will need to be built up to it, but am looking forward to finding somebody trustworthy and patient enough to spend some time with in order to discover what I have hidden.